xXGiggleDeathProXx

You heard me. I'm sick of wanting to create and speak my heart, but waiting for the right moment. FUCK that. It will not never come - a place where I would not struggle with art, especially if I just WAIT. It comes naturally, if that will be. So, I have actually written a few poems during the last seven months or so. Sometimes rather dark themes, but I don't like putting trigger warnings on anything. 

So... What have I done these last few years? Went through mental and emotional hell, to put it mildly and shortly. That's why I first didn't have time to write anything, and the high school line I went through turned even my spare time to something I had to calculate and evaluate. Heck, who wants to do that? Indeed.     Then, last year I would have time to create stories, but I had painful breakup from my girlfriend. Sent me right to the rock bottom emotionally, when it seemed like the mental side was in check. Been an interesting, reoccurring cycle for me - to have something to strike me down when I think "now life's swell". Anyway...

Perhaps the strongest reason I haven't been able to write fictional stories is my increasing awareness of what I wanted - what most of us want to achieve with it. Escapism from where we are, to imagine world and partners that would be perfect for us. Or something like that... Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in wanting that! Absolutely not! I just simply question naturally why I want what I want. And those romantic stories are wonderful. Definitely. I still remember reading stories so fluent and mature it warms my heart to this day. It is demanding to put in words, but I will attempt... My main issue became both knowing and not knowing.
Knowing the idea of love so many have - and what it means for so many of us. Completing ourselves through what we give to our partners, achieving a goal together. Forming a lasting foundation. Being open and so easy to break without fear. All beautiful, things I once wanted myself, too. However... Something in that did not feel quite complete. Like it would leave something out. At first, I couldn't figure it out. I thought something was wrong with me. Couldn't be further from the truth.
You see... There are different types of motives for love, that have very distinctive features. One of them is driven by a desire and the other by a need. A desire is like curiosity humans naturally have, regardless of the outcome, and a need is something you feel empty without. Therefore it's like a magnet you think you cannot resist. Two very different things with very different outcomes. And as I have been brutally honest with myself since last fall, a great many things I wanted before come from a need. And some of them are the result of my family's conditioning, that cause a great deal of self-reflection. As of right now, I have a lot of conflicting needs and desires... But what is different this time that I won't and don't escape the confusion. By watching movies of a life I'd want. By playing games to evade the topic. By attaching myself onto someone to get the pain go away. By writing fiction I'd prefer over my own life. And some wonders have already happened. I don't feel like dying from the inside when I see or hear my ex mentioned somewhere. I don't get a panic attack from seeing couples being happy (or sad).
The process is ongoing, of course. I cannot say I'd be a complete person that knows exactly what I want, and not doing so for fear-based motives. Hah. The thing is that I can be with myself more, no matter the emotion. And that is, what I have tried get from the outside world for years... And I have got it, don't get me wrong! The thing is that I GOT TO express myself, I GOT TO have a beautiful relationship with my crush over a number of years, I GOT TO fight through a high school line that has insane standards... Something I wanted and I got them all. However, now I know that it is my time to break through my illusions of life by going into them. To break through my own definitions of a good life and what I am by examining them. As I feel... there's more to it. More to life and love. 

I won't say I wouldn't write stories anymore, but as of right now, they do not serve me.  

So... what to expect? Poetry, surely. I would also like to write journals similar to this. Because it is my truth now and I have nothing else but to follow it. Topics like despair, anger and depression, as well as peace and joy. Whatever I feel like doing. I have a few waiting in my hard drive, so I'll start with them.

Now... If you managed to read this far, I would like to hear from YOU. Last time I checked, I had almost 200 watchers. Tell me your stories... What life has or has not taught you? 

I'll see you soon. Love, Heidi<3               

*cough* excuse me, International Baccalaureate. Yeah. So, the major cause for my inactivity in here is over. I don't think I failed any of my exams, so... I'M BACK! Finally!!

For curious ones, I will be having a 'skip year', as it is called in Finnish. It's when one does not apply right away to polytechnics & universities, and that is definitely what I need. Which means that I can finally write my unfinished stories and publish them. And most importantly, recover. The two years in IB (three on total, actually) have taught me a lot of English, if nothing, so the process should be faster now. What should I say? Anyone out there who knows about that malicious program? RUN. In addition to IB, I had to deal with my mother's insecurities when I came out as a bisexual. (had been that openly for a while but she believed it only when I had my girlfriend the previous autumn...) Luckily I had my support group through the worst year in school this far; , and . Thank you guys, so much...

I don't know what I should say, but yeah. I won't be able to thank for every favorite, but I think you might understand. I'm just so happy to finally be active here again. Seems like my first process is to remove the accumulated watch feed and polish my stamp collection.

See you rather soon in the comment sections and forums! Feel free to ask if there's anything is in your mind. 

No one ever saw this coming, but I got tagged by D Let's see where this goes.

Copy-pasted from him:
*HERE ARE MY 13 QUESTIONS FOR THOSE THAT I TAGGED:*    

#1)  Where were you born?

In my hometown's hospital, I suppose. Country being Finland, ofc. 

#2)  What is your favorite food/dish to eat any time of the day/night?

Bread with fresh avocado slides... Yum c:
 
#3)  What makes you unique/different from most other people  ?

The seen-it-all attitude, I suppose. Due to life's many... interesting turns, I shall say. There's just so much more to the physical realm and thoughts really are the source of our power.
Enough proof? c:

#4)  What never fails to make you smile in this life  ?

Madness. -shot-
Just kidding. , , the nameless Australian idiot who decided to delete his account from dA (Trevor*coughcough*) and the tagger, Frankie.  :bademoticon: 

#5)  What is your favorite land animal (mammal and/or reptile)?

Dragon. Shut up, dragon.  

#6)  What kind(s) of music do you listen to  ?

Industrial,    metal,  rock,  game & movie soundtracks. Mainly.

#7)  What is your favorite monster in all of Resident Evil (other than zombie/ganado) ?

Humm... Out of all games I have played/watched (RE1, (almost completely) RE2, RE4, RE5, RE: Revelations, Darkside Chronicles...) What would it be... Does Krauser count? He's so tough that I have to always find cheats of how to beat him (when in Assignment Ada one does have a knife in use) and oh my those melee attacks... I just hate the Bella sisters in main game and the Mercenaries... Out of all non-human options I would say Jack Norman in his transformed form (RE: Revelations). Or the Trenchy, as Leon calls T-00 in Darkside Chronicles xD 
And although I have seen a let's play of RE6, I do not count it as a RE game. It had shitty bosses anyways.  


#8)  What is your secret talent that is no longer a secret after you answer this question  ?

 Secret talent? Flirt with people unintentionally.
For realz.

#9)  Do you have a favorite 20th Century Disney movie?

Probably Aladdin. ^^ I still remember VHS era and watching them over and over again with my little sister. It's been a while.

#10)  What is your favorite all-time Manga/Anime?

Hellsing. I don't think no other anime will top it. Or maybe Ergo Proxy, but I still have so finish it first, this far it looks like a good one.

#11) Who is your favorite author?

Um... Paulo Coelho is an excellent author. Richard Dawkins is also wonderful. Either one.

#12) What is your favorite quote and who said it?

Oh my... Tough question. I think I'm gonna pick a few since there are so many:

"We live in a society of victimization, where everyone is much more comfortable being victimized than standing up for themselves." -Marilyn Manson

"...Because then you're watching television, you're watching the news, you're being pumped full of fear, there's floods, there's AIDS, there's murder, cut to commercials, buy the Acura, buy the Colgate, if you have bad breath they're not gonna talk to you, if you have pimples, the girl's not gonna fuck you, and it's just this campaign of fear, and consumption, and that's what I think it's all based on, the whole idea of 'keep everyone afraid, and they'll consume." -Marilyn Manson

"The saddest and most disgusting part of the whole event was the media coverage. Right from the beginning, documenting the grief and filming the funerals..." -Marilyn Manson

And these are just some of the very best...

#13) Who is your favorite all-time cartoon character?

THE JOKER<3 No doubt about it. His monologue and whole story in the Killing Joke... The storyline in the Dark Knight (2008)... Whoa.


Alrightie. Should I tag someone? I donno. Tell me if you wish to do this, then I'll make the questions for you.

Working on a few projects... when I have my life back.

*listens Marilyn Manson's lovely raspy voice~~*
 
Peace the fuck out, like TJ says. ^^

Alrightie... Here we go. And as you might already know, I don't add the rules 'cuz I don't like rules.

I got tagged by & ^^

So, 's tag is a song tag, simple: name as many songs as many you have letters in your first name. Here we go.

H-  Hell Frozen Rain (Silent Hill: Shattered Memories OST) by Akira Yamaoka & Mary Elizabeth McGlynn 
(Silent Hill's twisted world is something I haven't found a way out in... almost six years. Not that I would be looking for it, though. This song belongs to the category 'I have no idea why I love this so much... Play it once more, will you? :3', so... Music speaks for me.)

E- Élan by Nightwish 
(First, I didn't get in this song when  it was published as a single. But man, when I got Endless Forms Most Beautiful in my hands, pure love since then.)

I- I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me) by Marilyn Manson  
(Marilyn is an awesome artist who surely has smart thoughts. He is a genius, I say. This song is both catchy and its lyrics are excellent.)

D- Dawkins' Suite (Beyond: Two Souls OST) by Lorne Balfe 
(Beyond is a magnificent tale. Its soundtrack is another story itself.)


I- OkI Kumas Adventure by Machinae Supremacy 
(MaSu makes legendary songs... It's really hard to decide which one is my absolute favorite. Flagcarrier, Dark City, All of My Angels, A View from the End of the World, Persona, One Day in the Universe, Ghost (Beneath the Surface), Kings of the Scene, The Great Gianna Sisters, Perfect Dark... The list goes on and on. Oki Kumas Adventure is something that's meant to be listened in the noon, when walking in the middle of a empty road, only the Moon lighting the path up ahead. That's what I prefer, at least)

Okay, that's about that tag. Let's see... The next one.

13 facts about me? Naaah, I've told enough about myself. And 13 interesting facts... That's gonna take forever. Skip! Let's start with the questions, shall we?


1: Do you like waffles~?
With enough jam and/or cream? Hell yes, I do.


2: Do you like creepypasta? 
I... find them boring. Most of the creepypastas I have read/listened followed the same storyline, so... They're pretty predictable. I like psychological horror, something that really gets under your skin and you can't rip it off with pictures of cute animals. (That's what only cowards do, I say... If you watch/read/play horror-related things, you should know that they might make you feel uneasy, and accept that. It's the thing, y'know?) 


3: If so, who's your favorite creep?
Can I say Albert Wesker? :3 Can I?


4: Do you like Hollywood Undead?
Can't say, I haven't listen their music. Probably won't listen anyways. Maybe, if someone links some good songs. I'm open for new bands. 


5:Autobots or Decepticons?
I don't like Transformers, sorry. Michael Bay's movies are something I try to avoid. So, neither.


6: Do you feel awesome?
Kind of ^^ Tired, more so. But whenever I'm driving my babe (my car), I definitely do


7: Nothing is true, Everything is...?
Nothing is true, everything is just an illusion your little ego puts up in order to shield you from the greater consciousness and universe. By everything I mean rush, time, expectations and the meaning of everything. Clear?  


8: Xbox or Playstation?
Playstation. I have PS2 and PS4 and even my new phone is made by Sony :3 Xbox has good controllers, though. But so has PS4.


9: Do you like transformers?
-- Answer above.


10: If not... Then do you like bionicle?
Naaaaaaah. Never tried out and probably won't.


11: What nationality are you?
A Finn. Wish to be an Australian.


12: Do you see the rest of your fandom or fandoms as family?
In case of Hetalia, yes. I haven't encountered any maniacs this far.


13: What is your favorite song?
Currently... This 

Hmm. I would like to tag , but I guess he's very busy... I would have asked how he's doing.

Anyways, thanks for the tags. A new fic is coming in this week! See you then! Take care~ :3

The full title: I don't understand why opposite opinions are becoming taboos in today's society

 

 

Hey there, my dear watchers. Prepare for a little rant.

Do you know that little feeling you might get when you... know inside your little head that something is not right? Like you have something to say. For you, it's crystal clear but when you look around long enough... You notice that not everyone thinks the same.

 

'Oh well', that's what you might think. Different opinions exist and that's good. Diversity is the thing, and so forth. I agree. I don't dream of the world of 1984, (a novel written by George Orwell) where thinking is basically... illegal. No, no.

 

I just finished watching an excellent video by a Youtuber by the name TL ; DR. I'll add a link to it to the end of this journal. If you're too lazy to watch it, let me tell the main idea shortly. He reads an article written about universities in the US (if I'm not mistaken, nevertheless, it's from some Western English-speaking country) and so-called "safe spaces". The thing is: some universities cancel debates or arrange places for people who do not want to hear controversial thoughts to their own.

 

That's right. There are people in universities, places the societies hold dear and people respect, that do not want to hear anything beyond their own little, fragile minds. Opinions, facts or ideas. Does that sound even slightly worrying?

Oh, hell yeah it does. Even though I'm still in high school and will (try to) enter some university after maybe 2-3 years, I keep on hearing that Communication degree has the biggest mental babies (*coughcough*AnitaSarkeesian*coughcough*) and it does worry me. I can't help but wonder why the hell those mental children get their stupid bullshit through. By bullshit I mean those 'little storms in a teacup', 3^rd wave feminism, campaigns against 'manspreading', #killallthemen-bullshit and people's useless shitstorms in the social media... You know, all that absolutely meaningless bullshit.

I have a few theories for this... One being that adults do not want to say no. You know, those annoying parents of your friend/cousin/etc, that were ready to do anything to make your raging friend/cousin to shut the fuck up, while you had to learn to grow a spine instead? Yes, just that kind of parents. Those same kinds of people treat the whining students in the exact same way as they do/would treat their children. TL ; DR pointed out that, as obvious as it sounds to me, at some point we will inevitably encounter something unpleasant in life. Big and little things, and/or people. But somehow... I haven't been around for that long, barely over 18 years and a few months, and honestly, 15-16 of those being totally clueless of the world I'm living in. Without questioning it, I just did what I was told. (Enough of nostalgia.) My point is the very core of the problem: it's very easy not to grow up mentally in today’s modern, Western society. All one has to do is just do as they are told. The education systems provide 'intelligence' in the form of learning everything by heart and throwing it all out on the exam papers given just in the way the examiners want to see the answers written out. (though there are some areas where this does not apply, of course, like natural sciences... usually) The entertainment is provided by the mainstream media that spreads enough fear (quote © Marilyn Manson) to sell the newest version of fashion, fun and stupid.

And don't even get me started with religion. Not yet.

 

*sigh* But when something unplanned happens, like one hears an opinion that challenges theirs... Oh holy cow... Then the immature version of one's inner child shows up and uses the old "out of sight, out of mind"-tactic.

What I mean with all this universal blabbering can be demonstrated. I'll use my own experience as one.

 

It's been over six months, but I feel like I need to share this with the world wide web... On the 17 of December, last year, I kept a morning assembly in my high school. I've had the idea in my head for months before that I kept on telling to my friends: "these morning assembles are just shitty! If I was to keep one, it'd be so simple. I would play Ateistin aamuhartaus (~The morning prayer of an atheist) by Happoradio and that's it."

Eventually, it turned out that I could make it happen. So, I decided to give it a shot. It turned out to be more difficult than I expected... Teachers (my home room teacher and the head of the school, mainly) didn't want me to mention the name of the song, so that the religious people in the school won't get offended.

That is... fucking stupid. I, an atheist, should shut the fuck up about the title of a song because it might hurt someone's fragile faith!

 

And do you know what is more ridiculous? In that particular song, the word 'atheist' is sung around five or six times, once each time after the chorus. Which is repeated around... four or five times. Here, take a look how offensive these lyrics are: (English translation is provided by me, it’s as close to the Finnish one as I am able to translate)

 

Meillä on aika hassu maailma

on kaikenlaista häpsinkiä

Merkitysten turhaa etsintää

Ja niin me keksimme jumalan

selittämään sattumaa

Kai ny joku kärsimykset hyvittää

Joo joo

 

Minä uskon ihmiseen

Minä uskon eläimeen

Ja lakeihin fysiikan, ihan pienin varauksin

Minä uskon sinuun ja

minä uskon minuun ja

siihen että meillä on käsissämme kaikkeus

Ateistin aamuhartaus

 

We have a quite silly world

there's always some fuzzing around

Useless searching of meanings

And so we created God

to explain accident

Maybe someone makes up the sufferings

Yeah, yeah

 

I believe in a human being

I believe in an animal

And in the laws of physics with little reservations

I believe in you and

I believe in me and

I believe we have the Universe in our hands

The morning prayer of an atheist

 

I let you to have your own opinion about this, and continue with my point. With a few days of fighting, I finally got the permission to play the song. I did say a few words before and after it, but basically I took no stand against anything. Almost. Depending on the interpretation:

 

"Morning, *my school's name*. Today... I don't have anything ground-breaking significant to tell you. I just... want to share this little song with you. That is, if you want to listen. I don't really care. So... Let us calm ourselves to this song.

And after the song: "Greetings to the science teachers."

 

The teachers didn't stop me. Nor did they praise me. The head of the school indeed ignored me, when he said a word or two after me. Tch, I say. I quote Wesker, steal his glasses and say "How pathetic." The secretary was the only exception to the rule... She admitted afterwards: "It was actually a quite good song."

 

But it was just as I expected, no one got mad. Or, at least, expressed it straight to me. The majority was probably too busy with updating their Instagram to bother, but that's only good. They're nothing to me and I am no one to them, we're even. As long as I don't have to communicate with them, that is. Then I'd snap for the stupidity surrounding me.

 

Right after my morning assembly, I was glad. I have my right to the freedom of speech, and they didn't prevent me from using it. They did try it, though.

Tch.

 

Nowadays I'm officially an atheist. It's been great time, I gotta tell you. In Finland, it's not that big of a deal anymore. Usually. In most cases. Of course, older generations try to drag down the development in that area, but they can't stop the snowball effect anymore. The Nordic countries are (probably) one of the most atheist places in the world, maybe Britain following close by. I really don't wonder why. The arisen question of gay's place in the church and their rights have caused a biiig increase in the amount of atheists & agnostics in Finland, thanks to the church that doesn't accept gay church weddings. Well, it's their mistake. In Denmark, the church did accept it, and... I should find some statistics but I guess the situation ain't that bad in there. Who knows.

 

But in the States... Still being one of the most religious Western countries, the USA shows how conservative it still is. The recent pro-discrimination law of gays in Indiana, anyone? To quote George Carlin, holy shit! (I’m not quite sure about the current situation, but I guess Indiana lost some profiting deals thanks to that. *evil chuckle* But if there’s anyone from Indiana, please, tell me. What’s the situation?)

 

That's all I can say about that. I still wonder what would the reaction be, if I was in the States and decided to keep similar morning assemble in there? Who knows. Would I be kicked out of the school, punished or mocked? Or all three? Who knows, who knows... The state would definitely have some effect on that.

 

This isn't the first time my choices are being questioned. Won't be the last, either. It's not like people wouldn't be allowed to do that, no. Someone will do it, always. But when it's about something as personal as faith, no one except I have the power to tell what is preferable and what is not. But still, religious people/ the religion itself think they do have the final word. It's just... insane.

And what is even more insane is that some people do not questionable it!

 

What can I say...

 

Logic. It's precious.

 

 

 

 

A link to TL;DR’s video:
Ateistin aamuhartaus by Happoradio: (audio only)