It started to be the time of the year. You had reserved the flying tickets and vacation times ago, barely able to wait until the departure. You checked for at least the hundredth time that your passport was still valid, the tickets were on your handbag, and the alarm was on and in time. Just when you thought that the list was completed, you noticed one missing thing: chewing gum for the flight.
Do I really need to go to public? you sighed tiredly. But it didn't help, so you took your jacket from the coat rack and shoes from the floor. Luckily it wasn't a long way to the nearest market, only about twenty meters. But someone would still try to come to say something...
Nah, I'm not afraid... Right?
You waited for a cheering sentence to echo near you, but the silence didn't back up.
Try to admit the fact that you're alone now, silly girl... you ordered yourself and lifted the collars of your jacket as high as possible and went out from the door.
Everything went well, until you were unsure of what taste you should choose for the chewing gum. Suddenly you heard a deep voice of an old man next to you.
"I heard what happened... How terrible."
You swallowed and tried to focus on choosing quickly. Suddenly, your hands started to shake and you sniffed quietly. The man panicked and tried to calm you down: "I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to tear open old scars..."
Too late, now I have to leave...
You grabbed the first gum bag in your reach and rushed to the cash desk. The queue was really huge, your typical luck. You felt people’s stare drilling straight in your back; each of them knew or at least recognized you. You took a deep breath, and tried to calm down.
Take it easy… He would have done the same.
When it was about to be your turn to pay, you heard a fragile voice of a girl from behind you:
“Sorry, miss, but are you that woman…?”
You threw the exact change on the desk and ran away from the store, back to your own, safe pad. On the way you were about to bump on your neighbors who tried to talk with you, but you didn’t want to even try to listen.
Why can't people just let me be?
After running inside, you slammed the door shut and leaned against it. Little by little, you slide on the floor along the wooden door, and cried silently but strongly.
At the airport your anxiety eased a bit when you didn’t recognize any of the people passing by, and neither did they recognize you. Thanks for your sunglasses.
You looked at the watch that reported that there was an hour and a half for the plane’s takeoff. You headed to the security check and put all spare accessories on the airport’s basket for the transmitted light. Still the gate started to alarm after you walked through it, and the guards asked:
“Miss, do you have anything metallic with you?”
"Of course not."
After doing a body search the guard shook his head for surprise. “Are you sure?”
You nodded determinedly. Then the man noticed the necklace resting on your neck and pointed at it. “What about that?”
“It caused nothing!” you said quickly, maybe rushing too much.
“What if you took it off, you’ll get it back soon”, the man tried. You felt people’s impatient stare on your back, and that disgusted you even more. You unfastened the necklace from your neck with a deep sigh and passed the metal detector test. With all of your stuff, you moved aside and put the necklace back on your neck, as if your life was dependent from it.
When you finally made it to the plane, you looked at the view with a smile.
In the Canary Islands I can finally be in peace…
You walked along the streets populated by tourists, feeling some kind of relief. None of the people passing by seemed to know anything about the world’s events, and none of them recognized you. Which was always a good thing.
You still weren't able to run away from your own thoughts completely, but maybe you couldn’t do so anywhere. So you decided to let it be and relax. Even for a while.
“Why doesn’t she answer?” Tino wondered when trying to reach you for the hundredth time already. Lukas put his hand on the man’s shoulder and sighed.
“She needs time, Tino. Believe me when I say that we won’t see her in weeks…”
The Finn nodded and willingly pressed the red button. “You’re right… Let’s go to Berwald’s place, he must already be waiting for us.”
Lukas hated Tino's way to change the topic when it hurt him most. But in this case he understood why…
Meanwhile in Canary, the sun was about to set, but you didn’t want to go to the hotel yet. There you would have had to kill way too much time all alone. Drinking didn't interest you either.
During the day you had walked through all the tourist traps many times, visited that bric-a-brac -store, whereof Mathias had bought you your golden pendant. You visited also the restaurant, where he and you tried to eat spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp… Which had demanded many and many tries, and caused even more laughter.
When remembering those a slight smile raised on your lips, and you looked at the golden heart resting on your neck. For being only a bauble it had stood the test of time well.
Like he always said, so shall we do…
You arrived to the beach where you two had kissed for the first time. You saw the familiar coastline, few palm trees nearby the water and the big stone which hadn’t budged even a bit. When you stroked carefully its rough surface, you felt all of its scars easily. In spite of all those scars, the rock hadn’t broken down. You lifted yourself carefully on the rock, staring at the last rays of the Sun that little by little decayed. The sea slept calmly, no one was around.
With a smile on your lips you looked up to the skies, remembering how he suddenly leaned against your shoulder and just enjoyed, sharing the moment with you.
How can such a beautiful memory turn into something so painful? you pondered while you started to walk back to the hotel with heavy footsteps.
“Hey, Berwald.” Tino said to the quiet Swede. The man nodded and locked the door and then followed Tino to the car, where Lukas already waited.
“Do we have everything we need?” the Norwegian asked when the others sat on their places, Berwald on another front seat and Tino on the backseat.
“Yup”, Berwald said and buckled himself up, while Lukas speeded up towards the main road. “Emil is already there waiting for us, so we don’t need to worry about him”, he told, getting only mumbling for a reply from both men.
No one talked during the whole journey, not even usually so chatty Tino.
There was a complete silence in the hotel, but considering the time it wasn’t a big surprise.
You didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing.
It did give perfect peace, but the dead silence only gave your brains a chance to spin thoughts all around again and again.
Which wasn’t a good thing. In a big crowd you didn’t even think about it, but always when you were alone, it reminded you about the truth.
With a sigh you turned from one side to another, but you were still unable to sleep.
With Mathias, there were never such things as troubles with sleeping. Sometimes you talked about really boring things until you found yourself on his lap in the morning… again. And when he suffered from insomnia, you started to tell stories to him from H.C. Andersen’s productions to Cinderella and also to your own stories. Nothing was sweeter than the sight of him, sleeping like an innocent little boy.
You wiped a tear and another from your cheek. With him you were so happy…
You felt so lonely on the big double bed, so lonely and powerless.
Though that feeling was already really familiar to you.
There was a cold and windy weather on the outside, but no one of the four men complained about that, not even with a single word. Silently three of them stood still while Tino lighted up a candle. Its flame was first about to fade away, but when he put the candle into its lantern, it started to blaze. Others followed his example when he was done, and finally four little candles burnt in a pretty row. No one had anything to say, but the silence spoke instead.
Everyone stared at the stone made of granite, only a one word in mind.
You squeezed the golden heart in your hand, hopelessly trying to hold tears back. It was the right decision to leave, but the feeling of loneliness only got worse at this season. It was as if it was a reversed anniversary, when your topmost thought was to disappear.
Wish he’d be here… you hoped silently in your mind. Only his presence would calm you down. The golden heart almost started to glow warmth, because you squeezed it so tight.
If you exerted enough, you could almost imagine him sleeping beside you; his blond hair as messy as always but so lovely, and those deep ocean blue eyes glowing for happiness, half-open and watching you. The thought tucked you, and you could only imagine possible wall-neighbours wonder why a lonely woman comes for a vacation and cries herself to sleep…
What would he have done in this situation?
Suddenly you felt someone’s presence, like someone had landed on the bed end. But when you opened your eyes, you saw no one.
I’m starting to have hallucinations… Great.
A person more hopeless than I is difficult to find.
Suddenly a very familiar voice whispered in your ear: “Sleep tight, honey.”
The voice was so loud that you couldn’t have imagined it…
In spite of few new tears, a feeling of calmness filled your mind.
“Good night, Mathias”, you whispered.
How he wished that he could have shown up. He wished that so often.
Then she would know that he was fine, and there was no reason for worrying.
Nowadays he was her own guardian angel after all.
I promised that I wouldn't ever leave her…
And I’ll keep my promise.